The talking stone of old Kathmandu town

Twenty odd years ago I had the great misfortune to be part of the doomed Mackenzie/Alfred expedition to climb Everest's south east western north face.
Which was attempted by using only equipment made from human hair, to prove that the ancient peoples of the area with access to over seventeen tons of human hair could indeed have climbed that great beast of a rock.
Needless to say, it was a horrible experience and the bitter taste of partly cooked human flesh still lingers on my regretful taste buds.

While recovering from the ordeal in a splendid little brothel in downtown Kathmandu, I happened to bump into a strange little monk by the name of Koppin thulpa. Now this little fellow had a huge forehead, looked like a shaved monkey with an opium habit, Lovely chap for a foreigner though.

I was talking to this monk chappy one day when he casually mentioned the talking stone of old Kathmandu town, of course I was instantly intrigued and asked him to show me this miraculous stone.
Which he then promised to do on the solitary condition that I paid for him to spend an hour with the prettiest girl in the brothel.
This was a deal that suited both me and him, but one which I'm reliably informed did not please the girl as the monk was said to have some particularly nasty sexual habits.

Four days later the moon was full and the ceremony in which the stone would speak to the assembled worshipers was in full swing. As we entered the pungent incense filled air of the ancient temple, we were greeted by the sight of over forty orange robed monks chanting before the huge gilded altar containing the remarkable talking stone of old Kathmandu town.

Now to look at this stone one would think there was nothing at all special about it, it was in all truth a rather drab looking rock, which one could find anywhere littered along the twisting mountain roads of Nepal.
But something was to happen that made me revise my quickly formed opinion of this rock.
At the height of the chanting, a large bell sounded somewhere far behind us and all of a sudden there was complete silence.
Then It happened!
The stone began to give off a high pitched babble, which Koppin Thulpa assured me was a rare Nepali mountain dialect last used by the ancient high kings of Nepal in the twelfth century.
It was then announced by the high llama that the believers could now question the talking stone.
The peasants were then allowed to stream forward and ask the rock mostly mundane questions involving Yaks and other delicious livestock owned by the local people.

Koppin Thulpa urged me forward and before I knew it I was stood beside the high Llama and being urged by Koppin Thulpa to ask the stone a question.
Now I must say having been totally unprepared for the experience I was at a loss as to what question I should ask the ancient oracle, so thinking on my feet, I asked it if it knew where I could buy a good quality chunky marmalade here in Kathmandu.
The old Llama asked my question and the rock hummed out the sought for answer which roughly translated as "The stone does not know what marmalade is."

All in all it was a strange experience and not one I'm sure I would travel all the way to Nepal to witness again, but if I'm ever in Kathmandu and need someone to join a pub quiz team I would definitely consider the talking stone of old Kathmandu town.